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Top 10 things I hate about Star Trek

Posted by: WannabeSpaceCadet - Mon Oct 02, 2006 8:15 am
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Top 10 things I hate about Star Trek 
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Post Top 10 things I hate about Star Trek   Posted on: Mon Oct 02, 2006 8:15 am
Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.

You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

Note: The doors in the original Star Trek sets MADE NO SOUND!!!! They had to add the sound later in post production!

9. The Federation.

This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?
And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.

For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.

Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.

Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.

Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best ever SF show on TV:

Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."

Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.

The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.

I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.

How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.


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Post Re: Top 10 things I hate about Star Trek   Posted on: Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:42 am
WannabeSpaceCadet wrote:
Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.
.


You could always program the holodeck to simulate.... a pristine holodeck!

As for what you could actually do in the holodeck, I presume in such a Federation type universe, there would be the equivalent of a holodeck V-chip!

8)


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Post    Posted on: Mon Oct 02, 2006 5:34 pm
Until you hear the "squish" sound as you walk out of the holodeck through the WHEET-ing door into the fuseless corridor.

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Post Re: Top 10 things I hate about Star Trek   Posted on: Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:06 pm
They have not abolished money everywhere! Otherwise Cyrano Jones wouldn't been able to haggle about how many credits a tribble is worth. And of course the Ferengi are always grubbing after more gold-pressed latinum. It must be valuable stuff because it has gold in the name and because if you take away the letters "ressed" you get platinum.


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Post    Posted on: Wed Oct 04, 2006 8:36 am
Hello, WannabeSpaceCadet

I am not that sure if the aspect of the noise of the doors really counts to that degree:

- Microsoft's Windows 9x to XP all use sound to direct the user's attention to where it might be reuired by the software,
- each hit of a key of my mobile phone issues sound
- sound and noise are used and work as substitutes for visual informations if or when visual informations aren't possible or if the capacity of visual perception of informations is exceeded
- ...

All this is speaking pro "noise" and sound. Of course - in the case of doors this counts not that much but in their case noise and sound indicate that someone is entering the room or even the command center of a spaceship. Such an indication may be considered to be required because of safety, security and even the requirement to command the entering officer out of the command center and back to his station outside the center. ...

Regarding the science the term "Science Fiction" is not focussed on science simply but on future also and even merely since most of the science fiction stories are going on in the future. There are stories called SF that havenothing to do with science but with Politics, ideologies, religion, culture or even apocalypsises and the like.

The correct definition of "Science Fiction" at best can be got from the Science of Literature ("Literaturwissenschaft" called in German which can be studied at universities).

You are talking about if and how which SF story fits well or not well into yor expectations and preferences. So there is nothing against it. It seems that your expectations are focussed on Physics and other natural sciences and on engineering. My expectations are different in so far at least as they include several aspects beyond those.

By the way - there is an Economist who wrote and SF story in the midst of the 20th century. The story is Economics-SF - the author was a scientist and the story is about an economic system. The science is not fiction but the reality is SF - not simply fiction. It's an idea about the future and it is meant as a way to make the people familiar with free economic systems and as a chance to show the people how positive a free system is and can be if the people respect each other, their values and their desires, dreams, concepts of life and living and so on.

Oh. and before I forget it - abolishment of money in principle is no SF: After the Western-Roman Empire had been ceased money abolished of itself in wide areas of Southwest- and West-Europe. The reason was that there were no government no more that would have kept the money system alive. What didn't cease of course was trade - trade allways is possible without money by bartering for example, by natural exchange. This way of trade is experiencing a - at least limited - revival at present: by and within the Internet. There are service and product exchanges in the web - they are caused by increasing taxes which can be avoided this way, by increasing prices and price levels and by the reduction of real income(s). In so far the abolishment of money in Star Trek isn't that far from reality - the SF merely is that it is said that a new system of worl economy has been established in the past and that this abolished the money. This is a bit strange and I didn't find no way yet to imagine which way that might be possible.

Any it may be also that the abolishment took place on Earth solely...

...



Dipl.-Volkswirt (bdvb) Augustin (Political Economist)


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Post    Posted on: Wed Oct 04, 2006 12:32 pm
Damm Ekkehard, this is done in good natured fun! There is no need to pontificate over Star Trek! :D


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Post    Posted on: Mon Oct 09, 2006 8:11 am
Rant, yes. Pontificate, no. :lol:

Seriously, (not really), a 'whoosh' sound is not high up on my list of starship bridge, security devices. A DNA analyzer coupled to a several automatic phasers (one with reversed polarity) and a disruptor would be my choice. Throw in an embedded transporter to space the steaming remains.

But that would probably eliminate those 18% of plots where unauthorized personel take control of the Enterprise. Ya think they would have put some extra security in after the first 5 or 6 times?


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Post    Posted on: Mon Oct 09, 2006 12:39 pm
A DNA analyzer would have come in handy in "The Conscience of the King". Of course Star Trek was made before DNA fingerprinting was invented and the ability to positively identify the murderer would have pretty much ruined the whole plot anyway. But it is TV. Don't let science and reality ruin a good story!


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Post    Posted on: Tue Oct 10, 2006 11:25 am
One thing I am interested to know are the toilets. You never get to see them although one wonders how to create them for the numerous species onboard... 8)


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Post    Posted on: Tue Oct 10, 2006 12:44 pm
Artistic licence or leave it to audience imagination when it gets a bit too hard.
Seriously though, most of this thread is OT - even my comment above.
I was trying to think of some things I dislike (hate's a really strong word) about Star Trek and you know, I can't think of anything other than some of those already mentioned by Wannabe.. Sorry :lol:

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Post    Posted on: Tue Oct 10, 2006 1:52 pm
Found on some website a very very long time ago, this is the section "If I am Ever a Starfleet Captain" from Evil Overlords, and Other Genre Cliches, Section B: The Good Guy. (there's about 8 sections to the full document, with hundreds of one-liners about all the classic stupid plot tricks, but it's really hard to find). These are basically anyone who ever wondered why an exploration ship got into so many skirmishes without ever upgrading its weaponry (not to mention why you needed a crew that big when a commander and four engineers could've handled an advanced AI ship much more easily).

If I Am Ever a Starfleet Captain...

1. I will design my ship's tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired.

2. I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.

3. I will design my ships so that command and control functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay.

4. I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel.

5. When combat is imminent, my ship's computer will be programmed so that enemy troops beaming aboard will be immediately beamed into empty space, or the originating ship's reactor core if possible. It will also deliver a kilo of antimatter to the bridge of the ship in question.

6. When the enemy ship decloaks and is arming weapons, I will immediately open fire on it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times.

7. When a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical I will have the computer disconnected, its memory flushed, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs.

8. Anyone who cannot be entertained by books, music, a good game of cards and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship.

9. After capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the enemy's computer systems removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A new computer will then be installed.

10. If a crew member is a sanctimonious coward who continually gets us all into trouble through his greed, I shall, after the third or fourth episode of this behavior, act to preserve myself and other comrades only, and let him be destroyed by the mess he made for himself.

11. Under no circumstance will I agree to not develop or employ any particular technology.

12. If I have a technologically superior foe who is intent on eliminating my whole civilization, and I am offered a means of utterly annihilating this foe for all time, I will use it.

13. I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals.

14. Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship.

15. To prevent the computer from being reprogrammed by every Tom, Dick and Harry that sneaks on board, its software will be stored in ROM chips that are soldered to the motherboard; RAM will be reserved for data only.

16. I will design the greatest possible degree of manual back-up into my space vessels, so that when my on-board computer begins to act strangely, I can power it down via a switch located next to my seat on the bridge, and yet not be left totally helpless.

17. I will not allow anyone to read the technical manuals and blueprints of my ship unless they work in Ops or Engineering and therefore have a need-to-know. All personnel will be properly cleared prior to assignment to Ops or Engineering. The technical manuals and blueprints of a totally fictitious craft will be freely available.

18. If my ship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle.

19. My ship's computer will have a clock rate of at least one megahertz and be programmed in C or assembler so that important calculations take a few milliseconds instead of an hour or so.

20. If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans.

21. If my ship is constantly being bugged, robbed, invaded, or taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is.

22. If knowledge of the operating frequency of a ship's system aids in efforts to disable that system, I will employ an arcane development known as "frequency-hopping."

23. Before letting crewmembers take leave on a planet, I will ensure that they are welcome and that its government recognizes concepts like Rule of Law, Trial by Jury, Presumption of Innocence, and so forth. I will also check out the local laws so that none of my crew ends up on death row for scratching his nose in public or some other stupid thing.

24. If one of my crewmembers is unjustly imprisoned and/or condemned, and the officials with whom I speak express a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather exonerating evidence. Instead, I will immediately mount a rescue mission.

25. When beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down.

26. If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.

27. I will not have both rotating and non-rotating sections on a ship. If I need rotational gravity, I will spin the whole ship. Any navigational computer that cannot deal with this will be replaced with one that can.

28. I will follow the advice of my Chief Medical Officer. If I am not at 100% of my usual level of physical fitness, I will stick to desk duty unless the fate of something genuinely important hangs in the balance.

29. I will assume that all super-weapons are operational until proven otherwise, especially if they appear to be unguarded.

30. All critical data and software will be backed up in off-line storage.

31. A random alien's claims about his/her/its race's cultural values and attitudes will be given no more credence than a random human's claims about human cultural values and attitudes.

32. My crew shall be trained in the fine arts of tactical combat, such as dispersing assets, walking point, advance, flank and rearguards, etc.

33. I will not throw infantry into close-quarter combat with creatures of leviathan stature, but shall turn such affairs over to the artillery crew.

34. If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year journey home, and a super-being offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I'll agree and ask what we can get for two babies.

35. If anyone beams down and their personal communicator drops carrier, all life forms within ten meters of the last known location shall be beamed directly to the brig. A large well-armed security detail will be waiting.

36. The people in charge of Sick Bay, Engineering, and R&D will not be the only people staffing those functions, nor shall they accompany away teams.

37. I will not ask "What does God need with a space ship?" and then order a torpedo strike. I will order the torpedo strike first, and ponder theology on the trip home.

38. My people will be assigned duties commensurate with their skills. I will not task pilots with leading a ground assault, infiltrating enemy camps, etc.

39. If I board a derelict ship, and it appears that the former crew and passengers all died in some horrible fashion, I will immediately leave the ship, destroy it, and toss the wreckage into the nearest stellar object.

40. If I am in red alert status and discover that it was a false alarm, I will stay in red alert for a while before standing down.

41. Anyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes.

42. Any crew member who begins to act strangely will be immediately relieved of duty and confined to the sick bay, pending a complete screening to determine if their personality has been subverted.

43. I will not let the Whiz Kid conduct research aboard my ship. If he's got a theory that he's itching to test, I will deposit him on an uninhabited planet in friendly space, and make sure that I'm out of the system before he's done unpacking.

44. I will not depart the starbase unless my complement of Marines are on board.

45. I will hold repel-boarders drills on my ship. These drills will be held at random hours so that everyone learns what in Klotho's name they're supposed to be doing, no matter what the circumstances.

46. My junior officers will be notified that Academy cadets cannot be field-commissioned, and should they come upon a ship crewed entirely by such, they will immediately take command and return them to where they can receive adult supervision.

47. I will never send the infantry down on missions that are better suited for orbital bombardment.

48. If the issued zap guns have "stun" and "kill" modes, they will be set to the former only when the user is about to fire at something that is wanted alive.

49. If my opponent can adapt to various forms of attack, rendering them useless, I will use some imagination and start attacking in as many different ways as possible.

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Post    Posted on: Tue Oct 10, 2006 5:38 pm
OT (Off Topic), what I love about Star Trek is that they can do all sorts of things that we can't, like travel faster than light.

OT (On Topic), what I hate about Star Trek is that they can do all sorts of things that we can't, like travel faster than light.


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Post    Posted on: Wed Oct 11, 2006 4:04 am
Yeah, that's particularly annoying. Damn those Trekkies and their FTL fantasies...

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Post    Posted on: Wed Oct 11, 2006 7:05 am
Well 'Beam me up Scottie' has now been proven possible in laboratory conditions so there a reasonable expectation is that this will eventually be transferred out into the real world so why not FTL :)

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Post If I Am Ever a Starfleet Captain...   Posted on: Wed Oct 11, 2006 4:10 pm
An impressive list spacecowboy! :)


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